


roses don't grow in winter

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Dom/sub Undertones, Drama, Eventual Smut, Fame, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Murder, Power Dynamics, Psychological Drama, Romance, Thriller, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-09-30 23:00:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: What would you be capable of doing if you were in love?





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> What would you be capable of doing if you were in love? Jongin finds himself trying to answer that question.
> 
> The first fatal mistake was falling in love with a man already accounted for, married to one of the wealthiest and most powerful families in the city. The second mistake was realizing that he was stirred to the passionate throes of murder to keep the alluring man at his side. Kim Jongin falls down the rabbit hole of an irrevokably destructive relationship that ultimately has the young idol caught in the webs of deception and heartache.
> 
> \---
> 
> Updates will come weekly! They will be posted every Sunday morning central standard time. Buckle your seatbelts kiddos, it's gonna be a wild one.
> 
> As always you can talk to me on [twt](https://twitter.com/junxouji) or send me some prompts on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/junxouji).

 

His eyes were  _ unnerving _ , he was told.

 

Bleak. Apathetic. Unforgivingly reflected a molasses in the sun. 

 

These were the eyes of a boy who had seen far more than his mere nineteen years. These were the eyes of a man who was discouraged with the circumstances he was given and no amount of wishful thinking could ease the unendurable burden of woe.

 

There was something always intrinsically dark about Jongin. It was if a raven had perched it’s clouded elusiveness in his chest - only too eager to spread it’s melancholy with each elegant stretch of its glossy black wings.

 

Despite that looming oddness about him, it did not stop him from falling in love. Although he was convinced that these observations were correct about him he was not able to estimate the force that came colliding into his life when first introduced to Do Kyungsoo.


	2. fame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is a little boring so please don't give up on it! Updates will be posted weekly on Sunday morning central standard time! Buckle up, it's gonna be a wild one. As always you can talk to me on [twt](https://twitter.com/junxouji) or send me some prompts on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/junxouji).

_ “you found a raven inside of your chest where other people had songbirds. how are you supposed to be brilliant when you are darkness in a world of color?” _

  
  


_ +++ _

  
  
  


His eyes were  _ unnerving _ , he was told.

 

Bleak. Apathetic. Unforgivingly reflected a molasses in the sun. 

 

These were the eyes of a boy who had seen far more than his mere nineteen years. These were the eyes of a man who was discouraged with the circumstances he was given and no amount of wishful thinking could ease the unendurable burden of woe.

 

There was something always intrinsically dark about Jongin. It was if a raven had perched it’s clouded elusiveness in his chest - only too eager to spread it’s melancholy with each elegant stretch of its glossy black wings.

 

Despite that looming oddness about him, it did not stop him from falling in love. Although he was convinced that these observations were correct about him he was not able to estimate the force that came colliding into his life when first introduced to Do Kyungsoo.

  
  
  
  


+++

  
  
  


Very rarely does Jongin feel the side effects of shyness however the uneasy feeling creeps up when cornered at a small gathering of friends inside of Chanyeol’s luxurious apartment. He was barely able to concentrate on anything besides the  _ male _ who so singlehandedly stealing the air from his lungs. Replaced was the crushing weight of the ocean pressing against his rib cage, sparking up a fire of what was left of his sanity, and leaving him with this awfully excited feeling of anticipation. 

 

Because  _ holy fuck _ , Jongin has never seen a man so beautiful.

 

From observation (not  _ eavesdropping  _ \- okay, maybe he was eavesdropping) his name is Do Kyungsoo. Jongin finds himself mouthing out the name quietly as if to commit the feeling of how it flows off his lips to memory, wondering if he was a rookie actor or idol given everyone in the room worked in some way for the entertainment industry. After inquiring with a few curious bribes from Baekhyun he finds out the other is a friend from music academy. With dismay, he finds he is a little older than Jongin and already in a committed relationship to a  _ woman _ .

 

It doesn’t quench his initial fascination because before the night is over Kyungsoo approaches him to introduce himself. The man is sweet, gentle, and kind. Jongin is good at reading people. Everything about Kyungsoo screams  _ comfortable _ . From his powdery lilac colored dress shirt to his neat and scuff-free loafers, he oozes the vibes that he has his shit together. So, all in all, Jongin knows not to let his imagination get ahead of him.

 

( _ Too late _ .)

 

“You’re Sehun’s bandmate, right?” Kyungsoo asks, “I am friends with Baekhyun and Jongdae. We all went to university together. They keep telling me stories of their talent ‘ _ Nini _ ’.”

 

Jongin wants to strangle his friends for giving Kyungsoo that horrifying nickname. What is done is done, he thinks. He can only do damage control. “I am sure whatever they tell you is only half true.” He says.

 

Kyungsoo laughs. His traditionally handsome face scrunches up cutely and his hand comes out to pat Jongin on the shoulder affectionately. Jongin’s heart nearly falls out of his fucking chest.

 

“So, you didn’t have a place in line to become a principal dancer at the national ballet but rejected it to form an idol duo with your best friend?” Kyungsoo asks with a tilt of his head.

 

“Well,  _ that _ much is true.”

 

“They told me you’re the golden boy of SM, is that true?”

 

Sheepish, Jongin shakes his head. “It’s highly debatable. I just had a good training period. Who knows what our debut will bring. But enough about me. What about you, hyung? Are the stories as interesting as the truth?”

 

Kyungsoo smiles at this, “Probably not. I was going to become a singer but I became too ill to follow my dreams. It’s for the best, though. I am much better at managing talent. I didn’t have the handsomeness, talent or amazing charisma, unfortunately.”

 

Jongin blushes - something he  _ never _ does but the steady attentive gaze coupled by the compliments is enough to get his skin heating. His mouth dries and his eyes avert to anything else. Thankfully, they’re interrupted by their rowdy friends. 

 

Baekhyun, a vocal trainer at SM, is colliding into Kyungsoo with a hand slung over his shoulder and a glass of some fruity cocktail in hand passing it over to Jongin. Jongin tries to ignore the irrational spike of jealousy forming in his chest because he’s only just met the man and he already wants to push Baekhyun away from him. He quickly takes a sip of the cocktail to only wrinkle his nose at the harshness. It’s certainly more alcohol than juice.

 

“Our Jonginnie debuts this week with Sehun. They’re going to be a  _ smash _ .” Baekhyun slurs and proudly gleams at Jongin, “He hasn’t been able to come out with us until tonight.”

 

“He sounds like a busy man,” Kyungsoo’s eyes do not leave Jongin.

 

“Don’t be fooled. His company may have dumped a lot of money into his appearance but he’s still the same old nerd as before.” Baekhyun teases.

 

Jongin watches and doesn’t take offense. Truthfully, he did not know what to expect from idol life. Would they be successful? Would Jongin be well liked? Would they be able to come out with a second alumn? The uncertainty of his own career was unknown. He was a newbie with very few fans hoping to make it big. Somehow, with the admiration gleaming in Kyungsoo’s eyes, Jongin wanted to believe it was possible.

  
  


+++

  
  


The title song ‘ _ Legend _ ’ is a hit. 

 

Jongin wakes up to his phone buzzing wildly. He sleepily glances at his clock knowing the van wasn’t going to pick him up until later that morning to head to a music program. He blinks some as he moves to slide his phone unlocked to see it’s a mass of people. Sehun, Baekhyun, and his manager are all blowing his phone up. Jongin barely notices the instagram notifications that don’t seem to go away. He sits up when he finally begins to make sense of what is being sent to him.

 

Legend has 4 million views.

 

Jongin doesn’t really grasp the gravity of that fact. The night before he had went to bed ignoring all social media not wanting to know how the song was doing. He knew it would make him anxious. He hoped for the best but even this was a bit  _ much _ .

 

Boy Crush is their duo’s name. It consists only of him and Sehun. It had been their dream since performing school and thankfully, they both got signed to the same label. But 4 million views? That seemed  _ unreal _ . Jongin stares at his phone.

 

He jerks alive when it begins ringing.

 

It’s his manager. Minseok was a kind but firm man who got the pair to work diligently and focus their energy on improving. Jongin owed him a lot.

 

He picks up on the third ring, “M- _ Minseok _ , hyung!”

 

“Did you see? Did you see how well it’s doing? I got a call straight from the CEO this morning. I am coming to pick you both up early. For the debut showcase he wants to make sure there are no  _ mistakes _ , there will be a lot of eyes on you both. 4 million views, holy shit Jongin - I am  _ so _ proud of you both.”

 

Jongin nearly falls out of bed. “I am not dreaming?”

 

“No. You guys are trending and  _ everyone _ talking about Boy Crush. Jongin, did you not look on your instagram? Sehun called me crying.”

 

“No- I just woke up, hyung.”

 

“Jongin, you have over a million followers now. Your last post has 300,000 comments… Sehun has nearly double that.”

 

“Hyung- I-”

 

“Be ready, Jongin. I am nearly there.”

  
  


+++

  
  
  


No amount of training could have prepared the nineteen-year-old for fame. It’s nearly blinding when Jongin steps out of the van and the cameras are going off. He nearly trips but Sehun has his arm guiding him through the sea of paparazzi. His phone is a dead weight in his pocket dead from the constant notifications from his social media.

 

Somehow, it does not seem real. Not even when he steps into the backstage of the music program to his management surrounding him with congratulations. 

 

It  _ only _ feels real when he peers over at Sehun to see his best friend mirroring the same anxious expression he must be wearing. If they have done this well so quickly then presumably the expectations would be high for them. Everything they did would be magnified under a microscope. He hasn’t even got to tell his mom or sisters, not sure when he would be able to see them next now. 

 

Jongin had always imagined if he was going to reach fame it would be gradual and something he could get used to. Never, not even in his wildest dreams would he have ever thought it would come in the span of one night.

 

The makeup artists fuss over him and Jongin allows them to. He worries his bottom lip knowing that their performance would be watched heavily by the new and old fans they garnered. His eyes flutter to the mirror watching them work as a person catches his gaze.

 

Minseok is staring at him with the same brotherly fondness Jongin has come to adore. He smiles nervously and he can sense the tension in Minseok. Even his hyung is facing the pressures to help them do well.

 

“Don’t worry, Jongin. You were born to be on stage. You’ll do great.” Minseok reassures and Jongin can only hope so.


	3. stars

It’s the most exciting period of his life. 

 

Never before has he experienced something like this. The world is suddenly at his fingertips and there are  _ so _ many people cheering him on, he almost loses himself in that sensation.

 

But there is this yearning inside of him he doesn’t quite know how to explain or how it got there. Jongin reckons that feeling has always been apart of him. It feels suffocating and he finds himself holing himself in his home to escape the eyes of prying photographers and rabid fans. It takes weeks for him to gather the courage to look up from Sehun’s side he is practically glued to during their transportation to and from airports.

 

The first mistake he makes is relying heavily on alcohol to lullaby him to sleep. He knows it’s a stupid method but the anxiety builds up quickly causes him to worry, be so fucking tense, and just need some form of release. He arrives safely to his home with the help of his team who ensure they weren’t followed or anything before they leave the eruburiated Jongin in his apartment.

 

He’s not quite sure how to happens but he ends up sprawled across his sofa, opening his phone for the first time since their debut, clicking away the notifcations from the various platforms. He checks kakao lastly knowing only his friends have the user id. He finds a message from his sisters telling him his mother wants to see him as soon as he can to celebrate, some from Baekhyun who is gushing about his styling for the music shows, and lastly another message he does not recognize the sender.

 

He opens the message regardless to see a grainy display picture of Do Kyungsoo wearing those imfamous specktacles. The message is simple and sweet yet it awakens that yearning in Jongin’s chest,

 

**do.kso** : I hope you don’t mind Chanyeol gave me your contact information. I wished we had gotten the opprotunity to talk more and now that you’re famous it is unlikely to happen. Good job on your debut, Jongin you’re very handsome. Hopefully, we’re able to hang out again in the future!

 

Jongin spends a long reading it, then rereading it, before he can finally coneptualize what he might say back. The truth is he knows it’s inappropriate. The other is a male, he’s married, and frankly they in two positions in their life. Jongin blames the alcoohol -- the sudden rush of longing and bravery to make him do something so bold.

 

**kji94** : come over.

 

It is so short, so blunt Jongin immediately wants to sink into the cushions of his sofa and disappear. Yet, he knew Kyungsoo had to feel the connection between them? It was oozing out of every crevice between them. He doesn’t even know him. They’re basically fucking strangers.

 

There is no immediate response. Jongin feels like a fucking idoit as he mutters nonsense to his poodles that look at their tipsy father with mock concern. Truthfully, he finds himself pouring shots in the kitchen watching reruns of his favorite drama when his phone vibrates.

 

His heart races when he looks at it. There was definitely implications if Kyungsoo agreed or disagreed to come over at this time. If he agreed, well -- that would make Jongin impeding into a relationship where he has no clue what damage he is doing to another faceless person. If he disagreed, it would be a shameful moment for Jongin but ultimately what he deserved for trying to get a married man to come over.

 

Fuck, he knows it’s wrong but his body is aching.

 

**do.kso** : Send me your address, Jongin.

 

His heart drops because  _ oh shit _ Kyungsoo was going to actually come over. He quickly sends his address before rushing to clean up his place trying to not crash into anything from his tispy he was. He slides across the kitchen to rid himself of anything embarrassing.

 

Jongin knows Kyungsoo could misunderstand. In fact, what if the other didn’t realize it was an invitation to sleep with him? It would make terribly awkward conversation.

 

But somehow, in his  _ gut _ , he knows. He knows Kyungsoo wants him in the same way Jongin wants Kyungsoo. The chemistry was there and it was sparked by the unspoken taboo of what they were going to do. Kyungsoo does not take long at all to arrive. There is a soft knock on Jongin’s door that has him turning and freezing realizing once he opens the door there is absolutely no going back.

 

His body tenses but he finds himself taking those fateful steps to open the door. Just like at the party, Kyungsoo is dressed cozily. He is wrapped in his coat, pushing up his glasses, and did not seem like a man who was about to be unfaithful to his partner. He smiles and it’s so warm Jongin’s chest suddenly aches.

 

God, he was so fucking doomed wasn’t he?

 

Kyungsoo steps in without further hesitation as he slides off his shoes peering around curiously. He never really imagined what the inside of Jongin’s place might look like but he wasn’t surprised to find it was relatively simple.

 

He was, however, surprised to be greeted by enthusiastic dogs who nearly trampled him until Jongin sheepishly pushed the three dogs back.

 

“Do you want anything to drink?” Jongin asks with a tilt of his head, uncertain how most people went about this. Kyungsoo, despite everything, seemed very calm.

 

“No thank you.” Kyungsoo muses as he chuckles, “Have you been drinking Jongin?”

 

Jongin feels his face warm as he nods. Was it obvious? No doubt his face was red as soon as the other entered his home, gaze unsteady and unfocused as he fidgets.

 

“The great pop star is getting drunk on his lonesome and calling married men to keep him company? How  **_scandalous_ ** .” Kyungsoo mused quietly. Jongin sputtered, hands rising as if to defend himself but Kyungsoo gestures to calm down. He steps closer, “Just so you know my husband and I are separated. He is seeing other people and I am  _ open  _ to it.”

 

“I-I wasn’t sure.” Jongin manages out as Kyungsoo tilts his head upwards, forcing Jongin to peer into his eyes.

 

“You just need to be anchored, right?” Kyungsoo mutters, squeezing Jongin’s chin lightly. “If you want  _ this _ with  _ me _ you’ll have to submit to me.”

 

If the wind could be knocked out of Jongin, it was. His breath becomes heavy as his mouth opens in desperation. Was he that easy for the other to read? God damn it, his emotions feel sensitive and overwhelmed suddenly with shame. Was he going to think Jongin was easy? Did he know wanted to be  **fucked** and not the other way around?

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t let him brew on those thoughts too long. He kisses him hard, licking into Jongin’s mouth, which easily part for him. He is whimpering already - pathetic sounds that give away his neediness, that tell the story of an idol who is nothing more than a scared and stressed guy behind closed doors. Kyungsoo hasn’t even touched him but Jongin is already leaning in eagerly waiting for the press of warm hands against him. Kyungsoo is so  _ much _ smaller than Jongin but he can feel the waves of command oozing from every pore of the other.

 

Kyungsoo pushes him against the wall. He isn’t gentle and it makes Jongin’s cock hard. He bounces off the wall with a grimace but Kyungsoo is trapping his hands on each side of him mind slotting against his neck taking its precious time to mark the unblemished tan skin. Below the neckline, unseen from the public. Jongin doesn’t protest but god, does he beg.

 

“Please--  _ Please _ , I cannot wait.”

 

Kyungsoo turns Jongin pressing his chest into the wall. His hands slide down the jeans and underwear shiftly. His hand comes down to spank the other’s ass. Jongin, like a master, produces a bottle of lube from seemingly nowhere as he passes it back wiggling his ass out shamelessly.

 

“You’ll tell me if it’s too much Jongin. If you tell me to stop I will. Do you understand.” Jongin lets out a weak sob and is met with another slap of his ass before Kyungsoo is demanding, “You’ll answer me, pet. Do you understand?”

 

“Yes,” Jongin breathes blinking through tears as he squeezes his eyes shut, “Please Kyungsoo-- I need this.” His mind feels airy, light-headed and hazy. He feels like his body is suspended in the clouds. He doesn’t want to come down from these feelings.

 

In the space of the apartment Jongin seals his fate. They eventually make their way to the bedroom for a second round. Jongin is spent by then but allows Kyungsoo to find release once more in his body. Afterwards, his face is pressed against the pillow coming down from his high as Kyungsoo’s fingers card through his hair gently.

 

“I want to see you again.” Jongin whispers, eyes peering up hopefully.

 

Kyungsoo is looking at him with conflicted emotions. “Jongin, you have to be careful. Very careful.”

 

“I know.” Jongin says, “But I still want to see you again.”

 

Kyungsoo smiles fondly, pushing back Jongin’s sweaty bangs. “I have a proposition for you. I am looking for a submissive partner. I will agree to see you again if you become that partner for me.”

 

Jongin’s brow angle but he finds himself nodding. There was no denying no one has ever fucked him as well as Kyungsoo has. A sexual relationship was not a concept Jongin truly understood but if it meant seeing Kyungsoo again he would most certainly would.

 

“We can talk about terms we can both agree to later. For now, you sleep. You have a long day tomorrow, lover boy.”


End file.
